Duel-a-Hoop vs the Hula Strip Tease

The other night at a BBQ party in Denver I found out that I could hula hoop all of my clothes off. We tried to think of catchy nicknames for hula-stripping, but none were as clever as “duel-a hoop,” another game we played involving two opponents facing off in a battle to the hula death. We imagined momentarily, or at least I did, what society would be like if we evolved with this barbaric sport as the symbol of true brute force masculinity instead of football or wrestling. A caveman version would have bone spikes on their hoop. The middle ages would bring fire to the spinning ring. Asian kung fu cultures would use perfectly timed drop kicks to bring the hoop to certain demise. Nicknames for our fighting styles in duel-a hoop emerged. There was the Pigeon, the Dodo, the Chicken, and finally the Peacock orchestrating a rear entry maneuver deflected by the Irish Aggressor.

At another BBQ just a few short weeks ago on a night when I should have been sleeping for early job interviews that I failed the next day, a hula girl stopped by to show me some tricks and convince me that I did not want that job anyway. On Mother’s Day my sister showed me the start of the one that goes around, then up to your hand, then back down onto the waist. The hoop I was using had too much water in it and was considerably smaller than the one I made. It was more of an exercise workout ring, than a trick. On the last BBQ I got it on my stoner-ring, which is what we call the bigger, slower moving, self created one. I can sort of do it on the speed-freak now too. It is a clumsy approach on either, however, fluidity is certain to arrive. The hula girl who stopped in showed me a couple others. The ‘elbow bump’ brings it up to your neck. The ‘second hand’ after the ‘hand up’ continues the flow of the ‘turnstile.’ I am totally making all of these names up right now. All of them paved the way for the stripper hoop.

One guy at the party, who fought in a style called the Fabio, was getting the hand up once we moved to the courtyard. He was younger, handsomer, had longer hair, looked more like a model, and wore a button down shirt two buttons opened already. The roommate of the girl who hosted told him to take his shirt off. Evidently, she had a guy at the party, who was more like Fabio than any of us, leaving her wondering about his sexual preference. They concocted a scheme to find out. Both of them would bend over to pick something up and a coconspirator would watch to see whose ass he looked at. The real Fabio lifted weights. His sexuality was in question because of, among other things, a picture of him in a Charles Atlas pose hanging on the wall. She was excited to have a new gay friend and ended up with the start of a boyfriend. That Fabio never hula hooped. When the other unbuttoned two more, the games began. I was intrigued to see if it could actually be done and how far it could go.

What I lack in other areas I make up for in women’s clothing and shock value. A t-shirt is easy to strip away while maintaining a core centrifugal force. Pants are more difficult. The cameras were out, so I did not try so hard. As soon as they went away it was down to the skivvies for me. I could even get my shoes off with it still going. Underwear is a different story until I can perfect the elbow bump to the neck. Getting your hands down there to zip off while the hoop is on your waist provides certain difficulties. With a borrowed button down and a studded leather belt from the host, I dropped trouser with a small group and no recordable media to put my skinny butt on You Tube. Sorry, audience, you will just have to imagine it. Next time I am going to go for the full length dress.

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3 Responses to “Duel-a-Hoop vs the Hula Strip Tease”

  1. Strange story, really increadible.

  2. it is all true. it can be done. you will (hopefully) never see a video of me doing it, though. you will just have to believe. i am accepting your comment even if wordpress thinks it is spam and you spelled incredible wrong. i am willing to overlook both of those on the count of the possibility of a pun (inc-read-ible) and the fact that you commented on the article as a “story,” which it sort of is. what bot would know to do that?

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